The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World

The discussion of humility, the second pillar of joy, begins with the Dalai Lama referring to the Archbishop’s experience at Chris Hani’s funeral, where the Archbishop did not view himself as superior but as an equal among others. This notion of equality is central to the Dalai Lama’s approach as well. He emphasizes, “I consider myself as simply another person, just like those in the audience, same human being” (203).

The Dalai Lama shares an anecdote about an interfaith meeting in Delhi, where a spiritual leader insisted on having a higher seat than others. This story illustrates the contrast between true humility and the desire for status or superiority. Both the Dalai Lama and the Archbishop find humor in the situation, highlighting their down-to-earth attitudes and their belief that at the core, all humans are fundamentally the same.

The Dalai Lama recounts how, in his younger years, he felt nervous and isolated when giving talks, stemming from a sense of self-importance. He learned that this kind of thinking was counterproductive, leading to loneliness and anxiety. He emphasizes that seeing oneself as just another human being is essential to overcoming these feelings. The Dalai Lama and the Archbishop agree that humility is key to connecting with others, regardless of their social status.

Humility, in their view, involves recognizing that one’s gifts and abilities are from a higher source, allowing individuals to appreciate others’ talents without feeling threatened. The Dalai Lama cites a Tibetan prayer that embodies this attitude of humility: “Whenever I see someone, may I never feel superior. From the depth of my heart, may I be able to really appreciate the other person in front of me” (207).

The Archbishop explains that humility does not mean denying one’s own abilities but rather recognizing them as gifts to be used for the common good. He distinguishes humility from timidity, clarifying that humility involves acknowledging one’s gifts while maintaining a sense of gratitude and interconnectedness with others.

The Dalai Lama and the Archbishop discuss the importance of learning and growing through life, with the Dalai Lama noting, “Every day learning, learning” (212). They emphasize that recognizing one’s limitations can be a source of wisdom and growth. The Archbishop stresses the significance of maintaining humility, even in the face of deference and reverence from others, to stay grounded and connected to one’s humanity.

The Dalai Lama and Archbishop Tutu explore the role of humor, the third pillar of joy. They emphasize that laughter is not just a frivolous activity but a fundamental aspect of a joyful life. Throughout their discussions, they frequently engage in laughter and light-heartedness, illustrating the importance of humor in their lives.

The Dalai Lama stresses the value of laughter and joking, stating, “It is much better when there is not too much seriousness... Laughter, joking is much better. Then we can be completely relaxed” (216). He notes that wholehearted laughter is beneficial for heart health and overall well-being. The Dalai Lama associates genuine laughter with a warm heart, crucial for happiness. He emphasizes that laughter helps break down social barriers, fostering a sense of shared humanity and easing tension in various situations.

Archbishop Tutu recounts experiences where humor was instrumental in alleviating tension and anger, particularly during the funerals of apartheid victims in South Africa. He used humor to defuse potentially explosive situations, illustrating how laughter can direct energies positively. Tutu shares a personal anecdote about a funeral he led during apartheid, where he used a humorous story to illustrate the absurdity of racial discrimination. This approach helped lighten the mood and brought people together in laughter.

The Dalai Lama shares a story from his visit to Belfast, Northern Ireland, where humor helped break the ice in a tense meeting between victims and perpetrators of violence. He laughed at the absurdity of religious prejudices, which helped others open up and communicate more effectively.

Both the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Tutu highlight the importance of self-deprecating humor. They believe that being able to laugh at oneself is a sign of humility and helps in building connections with others. The Archbishop explains that humor can be a means of finding common ground and bridging differences. They discuss how humor can be a tool for unity rather than division, emphasizing the need for humor that brings people together rather than separating them.

Acceptance, the fourth pillar of joy, is not about passive resignation but an active acknowledgment of reality, providing a foundation for positive change and personal growth. The chapter begins with a reference to a quote by Shantideva, a Buddhist sage, displayed at the Tibetan Children’s Village: “Why be unhappy about something if it can be remedied? And what is the use of being unhappy if it cannot be remedied?” (223). This encapsulates the Dalai Lama’s approach to life, which involves accepting the reality of situations, such as his exile, without succumbing to despair. Acceptance, as discussed by the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Tutu, is far from defeat or resignation. Rather, it’s a stance from which activism and efforts to improve the world stem.

Archbishop Tutu articulates this concept: “We are meant to live in joy…This does not mean that life will be easy or painless. It means that we can turn our faces to the wind and accept that this is the storm we must pass through” (224). He emphasizes that acceptance is the starting point for any meaningful change. By accepting reality as it is, not as one wishes it to be, individuals can find peace and clarity to respond appropriately.

The Dalai Lama further explains how acceptance reduces stress and anxiety, which often arise from our expectations of how life should be. He illustrates this with an example of how one might deal with a difficult neighbor. Rather than reacting to conflict with anger or fear, cultivating compassion and kindness can lead to peace of mind, regardless of the outcome.

Acceptance is also linked to the Buddhist understanding of seeing life accurately, beyond our projections and distortions. It involves recognizing the impermanence and interdependence of all things. As the Dalai Lama says, “With a deeper understanding of reality… you can go beyond appearances and relate to the world in a much more appropriate, effective, and realistic manner” (226).

Abrams raises a paradox central to Buddhist thought: Goals are necessary for growth and inspiration, but excessive attachment to desired outcomes only leads to frustration. The challenge is to pursue goals with dedication while being open to unexpected outcomes, possibly even better than the original goal. Finally, acceptance is connected with the next pillar of joy, forgiveness. Acceptance of the present allows for the release of past grievances and a movement towards forgiveness.

Forgiveness, the fifth pillar of joy, is a crucial step in liberating oneself from the hold of the past and moving towards a life of joy and peace. Archbishop Tutu shares several examples of forgiveness from his experiences with the Truth and Reconciliation Commission in South Africa. He recounts how mothers of young people killed by apartheid forces forgave the perpetrators. In one instance, a mother referred to the killer of her son as “my child” and expressed forgiveness, illustrating the human capacity to forgive even seemingly unforgivable wrongs. This sentiment is echoed in the story of Beth, a white woman grievously injured in an attack, who also chose forgiveness.

The story of Amy Biehl, an American woman killed in South Africa, is also included. Her parents forgave her killers, actively participating in the healing process of the country and even employing the men responsible for her death in a foundation set up in their daughter’s name. This act of forgiveness is included to highlight the healing power it can have not only for individuals but also for communities.

The Dalai Lama shares the story of Richard Moore, a man blinded by a rubber bullet in Northern Ireland, who later forgave and befriended the soldier responsible. The Dalai Lama admires Moore’s ability to forgive as a sign of true strength and humanity. Furthermore, the Dalai Lama addresses a question about forgiving China for the suffering inflicted on Tibetans. He emphasizes the importance of maintaining compassion and forgiveness even in the face of adversity. He clarifies that forgiveness does not mean forgetting or accepting wrongdoing but separating the actor from the action. This approach allows for a clear and firm response to the wrong while maintaining compassion for the individual.

Archbishop Tutu adds, “Forgiveness… is the only way to heal ourselves and to be free from the past” (234). He explains that without forgiveness, we remain bound by bitterness and resentment. He also emphasizes that forgiveness is not a sign of weakness but of true strength and moral courage.

Tutu’s shares a personal story of forgiving his father, who was abusive towards his mother. He shares his regret at having missed the opportunity to hear his father’s thoughts before he passed away, illustrating the personal and sometimes challenging nature of forgiveness.

Archbishop Tutu and the Dalai Lama discuss gratitude, the sixth pillar of joy. The Dalai Lama often starts his day with a sense of gratitude for the preciousness of life and the opportunity to make the most of it. The Archbishop echoes this approach, noting a connection between gratitude and perspective: Perspective, the first pillar of joy, allows one to recognize the blessings in one’s life, even amidst difficulties.

The Archbishop and the Dalai Lama frequently express their gratitude for each other and the experiences they share, demonstrating how gratitude can enhance relationships and experiences. They highlight the importance of seeing the wonder in each experience, transforming even ordinary moments into sources of joy.

Abrams notes that the concept of gratitude is rooted in both Christian and Buddhist traditions, emphasizing the shift in perspective from focusing on what is lacking to appreciating the abundance and benefits present in life. He quotes Brother David Steindl-Rast, a Christian monk, who says, “It is not happiness that makes us grateful. It is gratefulness that makes us happy” (242).

The Dalai Lama shares his gratitude for the opportunities presented even in exile, emphasizing how adversity can bring people closer to reality and each other. He acknowledges that gratitude in Buddhism extends even to one’s enemies, as they can be seen as teachers who help in developing empathy and compassion.

Examples of gratitude in the face of adversity include Nelson Mandela’s transformation in prison and Anthony Ray Hinton’s gratitude despite wrongful imprisonment. Hinton’s story illustrates how gratitude can be a powerful response to life’s challenges, leading to a deeper appreciation of simple joys like the rain.

Brother Steindl-Rast explains that gratitude leads to a joyful response to life, irrespective of circumstances. Gratitude is shown to have positive psychological benefits, including stress reduction and a greater sense of well-being.

Lastly, gratitude is linked to compassion and generosity. Recognizing one’s blessings naturally leads to a desire to give back and care for others, underscoring the interconnectedness of these virtues in leading a joy-filled life.

The Dalai Lama and Archbishop Tutu discuss compassion, the seventh pillar of joy. The Dalai Lama suggests that this pillar is the most important of all: “Too much self-centered thinking is the source of suffering. A compassionate concern for others’ well-being is the source of happiness” (251). He emphasizes that all major religious traditions promote the value of love and compassion as a remedy for human suffering. Both leaders agree that compassion is a natural human instinct, but it needs to be cultivated and developed over time.

Abrams defines compassion as a sense of concern that arises in the presence of suffering, combined with the motivation to relieve it. This definition extends beyond mere empathy to include actions of kindness and generosity. The Dalai Lama attributes his initial lessons in compassion to his mother, highlighting the importance of nurturing in developing this trait. Compassion is seen as an extension of maternal instinct, vital for the survival of the species.

Compassion is a skill that can be developed to extend one’s concern beyond immediate family to others, including strangers. This expansion of the sphere of compassion is framed as essential for personal happiness and societal well-being. The Dalai Lama explains that focusing on others’ well-being can reduce personal suffering and increase happiness.

The Archbishop and the Dalai Lama address the practical benefits of compassion in everyday life, urging people to engage in small acts of kindness as a means of cultivating joy. They argue that compassion is in people’s nature and that going against this fundamental aspect of one’s being leads to dissatisfaction and unhappiness.

Abrams contextualizes this discussion by considering the evolutionary and biological aspects of compassion, noting that humans are fundamentally social creatures and that reciprocal altruism has been key to our survival as a species. Compassionate acts trigger a ‘helper’s high,’ releasing endorphins and oxytocin, chemicals that have health benefits and promote happiness.

Abrams discusses the concept of self-compassion as essential for developing compassion for others. Modern culture often discourages self-compassion, leading to harsh self-judgment and dissatisfaction. Drawing from the discussion between Archbishop Tutu and the Dalai Lama, Abrams argues that treating oneself with kindness and understanding is a basis for extending compassion to others.

The Dalai Lama and the Archbishop conclude that the most profound experiences of joy come from focusing on others rather than oneself. They share stories to illustrate how focusing on others’ needs can bring joy and fulfillment, even in the most challenging circumstances.

Archbishop Desmond Tutu opens the discussion of generosity, the eighth pillar of joy, by stating, “It is in giving that we receive” (263), highlighting the paradox that giving to others enhances our own joy. He uses the Dead Sea as a metaphor, noting that it receives water but never gives, making it stagnant and lifeless. Similarly, humans must both receive and give to maintain a joyful and fulfilling life.

Generosity is not just about monetary giving but encompasses a wide array of acts, including giving time, protection, counsel, solace, and wisdom. It is recognized across various religious traditions as an essential virtue. Abrams explains some of the neuroscience around generosity, noting that it activates the brain’s reward centers and is linked to better health and longer life expectancy. Furthermore, generosity is contagious, strengthening relationships across cultures.

Abrams describes generosity as a natural outgrowth of compassion, something that can be learned and enjoyed through practice. This trait is considered critical for survival, as humans are social animals dependent on each other. Generosity in various forms, including volunteering, is associated with significant health benefits, including reduced risk of death and lower rates of depression and Alzheimer’s disease.

Archbishop Tutu and the Dalai Lama discuss the importance of generosity in modern life, where the focus is often on individual success and accumulation of wealth. They argue that a shift in perspective is necessary to realize the interconnectedness of all people. They assert that generosity is not just a religious or spiritual concept but a fundamental human trait essential for a healthy society.

The concept of generosity of spirit, which encompasses qualities like tolerance, patience, and kindness, is also touched upon. This type of generosity involves being less self-centered and more open and honest, leading to ease and joy in interactions with others. Generosity is portrayed as a key to personal joy and societal well-being, encouraging a shift from a self-centered mindset to one of giving and sharing, emphasizing that such a change can lead to a more fulfilling and joyful life.

The Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu are guests of honor at an event held at the Tibetan Children’s Village. This visit coincides with the Dalai Lama’s 80th birthday, turning a small planned birthday party into a grand celebration with over two thousand attendees. The children are excited and emotional about the event. Many of them have made perilous journeys from Tibet, are living in exile, and are separated from their families, often not seeing them again until adulthood. During the event, they have the chance to share their stories, filled with hardship and longing, with the Dalai Lama and the Archbishop during the event.

One moment involves a girl named Tenzin Dolma, who recounts her difficult journey from Tibet to India, breaking down in tears as she remembers the separation from her family. Similarly, other children share their experiences, reflecting the collective pain and resilience of the Tibetan community in exile.

Despite these emotional stories, there are many moments of joy and celebration. The Dalai Lama and Archbishop Tutu engage with the children, participate in traditional Tibetan ceremonies, and express their admiration and support for the Tibetan cause, emphasizing the importance of education, cultural preservation, and the nurturing of hope among the young generation of Tibetans.

A highlight of the celebration is when the children sing “We Are the World,” and both the Dalai Lama and the Archbishop dance together, symbolizing the joy of friendship and the interconnectedness of people worldwide. This scene is noteworthy as the Dalai Lama, usually restricted by his monastic vows from dancing, joins in, reflecting the special nature of the occasion.

A birthday celebration for the Dalai Lama concludes the chapter, complete with a large cake and trick candles that humorously refuse to be extinguished. Amidst laughter and singing, the event embodies a spirit of resilience, hope, and joy, despite the backdrop of struggle and exile faced by the Tibetan community. The Archbishop’s presence and words offer encouragement, envisioning a future where the children may one day freely celebrate in the streets of a liberated Tibet.

Archbishop Desmond Tutu and the Dalai Lama conclude their discussions for The Book of Joy. This session, marked by a sense of solemnity and reflection, acknowledges the advanced age and health concerns of both leaders, underscoring the rarity and significance of this meeting.

During their final conversation, they delve into the purpose of The Book of Joy. The Archbishop hopes the book will aid readers in realizing that joy often arises from selfless acts of kindness and compassion towards others. He emphasizes that true joy is found not in material possessions but in the act of giving and helping others. The Archbishop reflects on current global sufferings, like wars and refugee crises, to highlight the book’s relevance in a world filled with distress and the need for more joy and compassion.

The Dalai Lama shares his perspectives, too, discussing the historical progression of humanity and the increasing aversion to violence and war. He emphasizes the importance of education in fostering compassion and kindness, vital for a happier and more peaceful world. He reflects on his interactions with influential figures and his own experiences, reinforcing the idea that despite the challenges, there is hope for a better, kinder world.

Both leaders underscore the importance of compassion and generosity, not only as moral virtues but as essential components of joy and happiness. Their discussion is interspersed with personal anecdotes and humor, which exemplify their friendship and mutual respect.

As they prepare to part ways, the Dalai Lama and the Archbishop share goodbyes, expressing their admiration and gratitude for each other’s support and friendship. The Dalai Lama’s touching remark about remembering the Archbishop at his death encapsulates the depth of their bond. They joke about meeting in the afterlife, reflecting their spiritual beliefs and the comfort they find in their friendship.

The Archbishop departs, leaving behind a message about the interplay of joy, suffering, and compassion in human life. The subsequent earthquake in Nepal serves as a reminder of the inevitability of natural disasters and suffering, and the example is used to reinforce their message that much of suffering can be mitigated through compassion and altruism. This realization encapsulates their teachings and their legacy of promoting joy, peace, and compassion in the world.