My Life as a Book

“After all, tomorrow is the start of vacation, the start of sleeping late, the end of being prodded every day by teachers with their mental Tasers to LEARN, LEARN, LEARN. Tomorrow is also the day I start to investigate what my mother is trying to hide.”

Derek’s predictions about his summer turn out to be inaccurate, as he soon learns that he’ll be attending Learning Camp for the summer. The irony of his statement makes it humorous, as Derek seems absolutely delighted that learning is over for the summer. Even though his summer doesn’t turn out as planned, Derek finds that he enjoys Learning Camp and the people there. In addition, he has the privilege of going to Martha’s Vineyard at summer’s end to bring clarity to the mystery of Susan’s death.

“Why couldn’t I have left that stupid newspaper article alone? If I had known the drowning had anything to do with me, I never would’ve asked all those questions. I should’ve known extra reading would be hazardous to my health.”

When Derek learns that Susan may have saved him, causing her drowning, he feels immense guilt and responsibility even though he was only two years old at the time. He realizes for the first time that curiosity doesn’t always lead somewhere pleasant. Although this realization doesn’t deter him from continuing his investigation, his attitude toward the mystery changes to one of humble curiosity and empathy rather than a morbid, childlike curiosity. Derek again uses humor to offset an upsetting situation when he jokes that reading is a health hazard.

“I may not make my bed, pick up my clothes, put away my DVDs, or wipe the puddles of water off the floor after I take a bath, but I’m never messy with my drawings.”

Derek’s chaotic nature—being messy, wild, rambunctious, and mischievous—is part of what characterizes him. He realizes this about himself but accepts it. Although Derek has many flaws, he’s always careful and meticulous with his illustrations. Drawing is his passion and his dream, and—inspired in part by his father—he wants to do his best at it. Derek prides himself on his drawings because they’re the one area he seems to excel in at school, where he always feels like he’s lagging in other ways. Derek’s drawings later help him overcome the obstacle of reading longer texts when he learns how to combine visualization of the text, which Margot taught him, with the illustrations that he created for his vocabulary words.

“You’re not five years old anymore. You need to start getting serious.”

Derek’s mother finds him in the house with Pedro the monkey and Bodi, running around and screaming. She’s shocked to see her 12-year-old son acting this way and announces that he’ll be going to Learning Camp. Derek’s mother wants him to realize that he’s starting to grow up, but Derek constantly rebels against the idea. He prefers to play, act silly, and make jokes.

“I have to work so hard to keep up during the school year—do I have to fake my way through all summer too? The thought of one more person cracking the whip about LEARNING makes me want to jump into the cement mixer with these crazy elves.”

The day before Learning Camp begins, Derek is hanging out with Matt. Matt is having fun, but Derek’s mind is full of dread about feeling inadequate in yet another space. Derek already feels like he’s behind the other kids at school and worries that Learning Camp will be no different. He pictures it like school, with strict rules and a schedule. He’ll soon find out that Learning Camp is fun and easygoing, and even more surprisingly, he even learns a reading strategy (or alternative approach to learning) from camp counsellor Margot.

“I hate how parents think they have to use everything that happens as some kind of lesson. ‘Seven dog years equals one human year, right? So seven times thirteen equals…’ He waits for my answer like an FBI agent interrogating a spy.”

Whenever Derek talks to his parents about anything, it seems like they find a reason to make it about learning. Derek doesn’t necessarily hate learning, but he hates having it forced on him in every area of his life. Sometimes, he just wants to be a kid and play. When the family discusses Bodi’s age, Derek’s father turns it into a math question. Here, Derek uses simile to compare his father to an FBI agent.

“I’m sick of feeling like an old broken-down horse on a racetrack that everybody has to encourage from the sidelines. I hoped Learning Camp could be different. Seeing Carly guarantees it won’t be.”

Even when Derek arrives at Learning Camp, he’s still certain that it’ll be horrible and just like school. When he sees that Carly, a girl in his class who is particularly smart and diligent, is attending too, he feels even more sure that the camp will be boring and more work than fun. Derek uses simile to compare himself to a horse on a racetrack that no longer runs fast. He constantly feels like he’s behind his peers and feels continuous pressured to improve.

“Part of me wonders what the other kids are doing, but most of me watches the story unfold in my mind. And at the end of the page, when Margot asks us questions about the story, Carly isn’t the one who knows all the answers.”

Derek’s camp counsellor, Margot, teaches him an alternative approach to reading. After talking with Derek, she understands why he dislikes books without pictures. She encourages Derek to visualize the text like it’s a movie, picturing every character, event, and setting and imagining what might happen next. She demonstrates by reading a chapter from her book and asking Derek to visualize it. Carly joins in, and when the chapter is over, Derek is surprised to find that he remembers everything Margot said. This approach ends up helping Derek overcome the obstacle of reading.

“Just ‘cuz I have a hard time at school doesn’t mean I’m stupid.”

Derek is acutely aware that people around him see him as stupid because he doesn’t do well in school. This weighs on him and affects his self-esteem, but at the same time, he knows that he’s smart in other ways. Derek has strong innovative skills, kinesthetic abilities, and a keen eye for illustration. What Derek says here is true of many children, and Derek acts as a voice for kids labeled inadequate, reluctant, or unintelligent by their educators, parents, or peers.

“I guess what really weighs on me is this: Am I supposed to grow up to be some guy who stops wars or creates new energy sources just because you saved me? Can I still be a normal kid who makes a lot of mistakes, maybe even MORE mistakes than the average kid?”

When Derek learns that Susan drowned saving him, he feels a sense of responsibility and guilt for just being a normal kid. He wonders if this obligates him to live up to some greatness—because someone died to save him. Derek realizes that he’s not perfect and fears that he’ll disappoint Susan. However, as Derek discovers the story of Susan’s life and those who loved her, he realizes that it wasn’t his fault she died.

“For the first time, I notice the notes Ms. Williams made in the margins. What is the main character feeling? What do you think could happen next? Her notes raise questions of my own. How long will it take to read a book if I have to stop every minute to answer these stupid questions?”

Derek slowly develops an appreciation for reading with the support of the educators in his life. Ms. Williams, his schoolteacher, gifts him a book from the summer reading list that she thinks he’ll enjoy. It centers on the life of a boy and his dog, much like My Life as a Book. After Derek learns to visualize with Margot’s help, he starts to understand the purpose of the prompts that Ms. Williams left for him in the book. In addition, this is one of many moments that characterize Derek’s humorous and slightly edgy side.

“At the beginning of the summer, I learned how to picture a story as if it’s a movie in my head. Now, thanks to Michael, that movie isn’t in my head anymore. It’s like my flip-o-rama book just jumped onto the computer screen for all to see.”

Derek’s experiences with reading and illustration over the summer help him develop an alternative approach to reading books without pictures. Margot teaches him how to visualize the text as if it were a movie, and Michael shows him how to turn his own illustrations into his own movie. In addition, Derek discovers that he can flip through the pages of his sketchbook to create another type of movie. These experiences combine to show Derek learns storytelling doesn’t have to be boring or grueling.

“Grandma waits on us like we’re special company and I guess we are. She treats me the same way she did when I was little, offering to rub my feet. I let her, happy to be a little kid again, even if it’s just for a short time.”

Family bonds are an important motif in the story and a key part of Derek’s life. When he and his parents go to visit his grandma, she’s thrilled to see them. She loves her grandson—and dotes on him as if he were a young boy. Because Derek resists the idea of growing up, he’s happy that she treats him this way. He shares a special bond with his grandma and finds that when she’s happy, he’s happy.

“I know I’m too old for picture books—OBVIOUSLY!—but I can’t help paging through them.”

When Derek and his parents go shopping around Martha’s Vineyard, they stop in a local bookstore. Derek goes to the kids’ section to look at some picture books, hoping his parents won’t see him. He includes this disclaimer because on some level, he’s ashamed of sometimes still feeling like a little boy. He regularly flips between wanting to be independent and wanting to be spoiled.

“Suppose Lauren Hutchins isn’t here today? Even worse, suppose she is here, recognizes me as the kid who killed her best friend, and becomes a raging lunatic? Worse than that, suppose nothing happens and I’ve spent my summer obsessed with something that doesn’t have any meaning at all.”

The novel’s rising action and suspense culminate in this moment, when Derek finally learns the truth about how Susan died. He’s petrified to talk to Lauren, the friend who was (supposedly) with her that day, but he eventually works up the courage to do so. As he ponders the worst-case scenario, Derek worries about not being able to resolve his anxiety about Susan’s death.

“A giant wave of relief washes over my mother. She didn’t do anything wrong by hiring a new babysitter, her son didn’t cause someone’s death, there was nothing to ask forgiveness for. As for me, I still felt bad that Susan died but in a different, less responsible way.”

When Lauren tells Derek and his parents the story of the day Susan died, she reveals that Susan went into the ocean on her own—Derek had nothing to do with it. When Derek’s mother learns this, she feels great relief to know that neither she nor her son had any part in Susan’s death. Derek still feels sad for Susan, however, knowing how young she was and knowing that one bad choice caused her to die.

“I take her words and her feathers as a kind of all-weather gear to wrap around me in a storm.”

After Lauren shares her story with Derek and his parents, she and Derek share a bonding moment. Lauren gives Derek a necklace he was eyeing earlier—a leather necklace covered in feathers and shells. Derek chooses to turn the necklace into a symbol of protection against the storms that life brings. He wears the necklace every day afterward.

“In all the movies I’ve watched, I don’t think I’ve seen anyone make a bigger sacrifice than Mom makes today.”

When Derek’s mother finds out that Madeline fabricated the story of Susan saving Derek from drowning, she feels infuriated and betrayed. She decides to take her family to visit Madeline, as she hopes to confront her and ask her why she lied all these years. When they reach Madeline’s house, they find that she’s still fraught with grief over her daughter, so Derek’s mother decides not to confront her, instead choosing to listen empathetically as Madeline tells stories about Susan’s life. Derek sees the sacrifice that his mother makes in this moment, and his respect for her grows stronger.

“The truth is that Lauren’s story doesn’t make me love Bodi more. Not because I don’t appreciate that he saved my life, but because it’s impossible for me to love him one bit more than I already do. I’m his Calvin and he’s my Hobbes—always has been, always will be.”

When Derek learns that Bodi is the one who saved him from wandering into the ocean, he confesses that it doesn’t change the way he feels about Bodi—not because it he doesn’t appreciate Bodi’s saving him but because his bond with Bodi is already so strong that nothing can change it. Derek metaphorically compares himself and Bodi to his favorite comic characters, Calvin & Hobbes.

“Margot’s way of visualizing a book as if it’s a movie, my flip-o-rama drawings, and Michael’s animation of my vocabulary words have sort of changed the way I think about stories. Not seeing South Beach when we’re on Marth’s Vineyard seems like a missing frame in the life of Susan James.”

Derek reflects on how his perspective toward stories has changed over the summer. He originally thought of stories as something that occur only in movies or books. As the summer progresses, he slowly learns that life stories are a major part of the picture too. He comes to view Susan’s life as a story that needs to be told and understood, and he feels that visiting the place where she died will help to complete the narrative.

“I take a deep breath and say goodbye to Susan James. Mom grabs my hand; the ocean view is infinite.”

As the family stands on South Beach thinking about Susan and everything that they learned during their trip and over the summer, Derek shares a moment of silence with his parents that’s pivotal for him. He calmly breathes in and releases his grief for Susan. His mother experiences a similar release, and as they stare across the ocean together, they feel a sense of peace in knowing the truth.

“Then I realize Carly probably feels awful even though she only had Ginger for the summer. When a giant wave comes, it hits my legs and I feel the tug of the riptide, the same undertow that pulled Susan James away from her life.”

Derek empathizes with Carly after the hedgehog dies because he endured something similar when he first found out about Susan. Although Derek was only two at the time that Susan died, he felt responsible for her death. He understands that Carly must feel the same way, as she agreed to care for the hedgehog over the summer. Derek listens to Carly as she sobs, and as he stands in the water, he can feel the tug that pulled Susan away forever.

“I think about that first video and how much Pedro struggled with the light switch, then I look at him now, running to pick up the remote that Michael dropped. I cheer on the young Pedro in the video. Don’t give up. Believe it or not, you will master these tasks. I remember Ms. Williams talking about evolution in class last year. Maybe evolving is what we’re supposed to do—all of us, all the time.”

Michael shows Derek a video of Pedro learning how to turn on light switches, microwaves, and DVD players. It takes Pedro a long time and many repetitions to learn each task. Derek is amazed at Pedro’s persistence and his ability to overcome obstacles that a monkey wouldn’t normally need to overcome. He knows that Pedro in the present can do everything he’s training for in the video, and has the epiphany that, like Pedro, he can learn and evolve. All he needs is persistence, support, and the hope that he’ll one day succeed.