Know My Name: A Memoir

Miller returns to Philadelphia, where she continues to live with her boyfriend Lucas. He encourages her to join him on a vacation to Indonesia over winter break. A year has almost passed since the assault: “[I]t seemed impossible that in this year I had only spent a single day testifying in court, while around that day my life had disintegrated” (126). In the aftermath of her breakthrough at the hearing, Miller struggles to find purpose and meaning in daily life. She finds comfort in her occasional Skype sessions with her friend Claire, a fellow survivor who has experienced the same emotional journey. Miller distracts herself with cooking, cleaning, and other menial tasks. She joins a comedy club with Lucas and, after one of her boyfriend’s teammates doubts her, dives into writing a routine.

Miller auditions and is chosen to perform last in the lineup. She is reinvigorated by this moment: “[F]or the first time in nine months, anxiety did not cause me to shrivel up and shut down. It fueled me to begin” (132). She rehearses with her club members and feels connected to those around her, including the custodian in her apartment building, the Korean shop owner in her neighborhood, and the doorwomen who work at the front desk. Through these interactions she feels she is “regrowing” (134).

In a powerful moment, Miller faces her fears, performs on stage, and is met with high praise. She feels like “[she’s] been born anew, the timid self shed, the transformation witnessed by hundreds” (136). The next day, reality hits and Miller realizes that she no longer has the comedy show to occupy her free time. She calls her mother distraught and in tears. Her mother comforts her with stories of her journey to America and advises her “to hold out to see how [her] life unfolds, because it is most likely beyond what [she] can imagine” (138).

Alaleh calls and informs Miller that the trial will not take place until the next year. Miller attends an event where the speaker “named Elizabeth [speaks] about a small team called Rise, a civil rights nonprofit, that was drafting the Sexual Assault Survivors’ Bill of Rights” (138). For the first time, Miller speaks openly and passionately about sexual assault and the injustices of the justice system. Although she does not disclose herself as a survivor, she feels “a new kind of hope” (139). Miller feels a newfound sense of purpose to advocate for changes in the legal process to help future victims.

Miller travels to Indonesia with Lucas and learns how to scuba dive. Through the process, she learns the importance of listening to her body. This is difficult for her, as she “ha[s] fallen into the habit of neglecting [her] body, often forgetting to feed it, and when [she] was assaulted [she] refused even to look at it” (140). She experiences the beauty of the natural world, which teaches her that “[A]ll [she] had to do was equip [her]self to go deeper, to push past the initial pains, to teach [her]self to breathe” (142).