Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

The chapter opens by reiterating certain facts that stand in opposition to the false narratives that women internalize. Dr. Nagoski recognizes that women may not follow the typical narrative sold by messaging. First, women may have sensitive brakes and/or accelerators that affect sex. Second, their genital response may not be indicative of their subjective experience. Third, desire is a response to pleasure within context. All these components of human sexuality are dependent upon the final factors: confidence and joy.

Confidence refers to “knowing what is true about your body, mind, sexuality, and life” (280). Confidence helps women distinguish between what is true and what they believe “should” be true. This means embracing the knowledge about one’s own dual control model, responsive desire, and nonconcordance. Joy means loving the truth. For many women, joy is the most difficult part of reclaiming their sexual selves.

Dr. Nagoski turns to research to find out how women can recapture and take charge of joy. Confidence is not enough for women to develop a satisfying and pleasurable sexual life: Women who are confident may know the truth, but this does not mean that they trust the truth or recognize the role it plays in their own lives. Confidence alone may suggest that something is true but that this quality is a form of failure. Confidence may also work well in theory but fall short in practice, and it fails to address the messages that have been internalized over the years. Joy moves individuals from knowing what is true to loving the truth.

The first way to achieve joy is by accepting that one’s feelings are always valid. Dr. Nagoski offers reality checks that help individuals examine the judgments and expectations they place upon themselves. She uses the metaphor of maps and terrains to illustrate reality checking. Sexual maps are those ideas which women believe “should” be true about their experiences. Terrains represent the reality of their sexual experiences—what is actually true. If the map and the terrain do not match up, this means that the problem is with the map, not the terrain. The expectations are unrealistic; it is not the reality that is to blame. Believing one’s internal experience over one’s expectations of what should be occurring is always the best course of action. Sometimes these internal experiences are self-contradictory, but that is a normal part of the journey toward confidence and joy.

The second way to achieve the goal of joy is to apply self-compassion, or “nonjudging.” When intrusive or distressing thoughts occur, Dr. Nagoski suggests recognizing these thoughts for what they are and not judging them. Feelings do not require a solution or conclusion to be valid. Allowing oneself to feel emotions fully helps to complete the cycle. This is also true in the case of trauma. Dr. Nagoski argues that people should allow themselves to sit with their emotions and their trauma, to experience it fully so that healing can begin. Pain, too, requires nonjudgmental awareness; the same holds true for pleasure. As individuals begin to release their judgments, they can examine the mythology and narratives that inform them.

Dr. Nagoski begins by recognizing the many lessons presented throughout the book. First, both men and women are “all made of the same parts, organized in different ways—no two alike” (311). The variations are normal. Sexual response is a reaction to various stimuli that function as accelerators and brakes. Context can influence what functions as an accelerator at one point in time and as a brake at a different point. Genital responses do not always align with what the brain is doing or how a person is feeling. All desire is responsive and normal. Finally, the key to finding a path forward in one’s sex life is by understanding where one is right now without judgment.

Dr. Nagoski authored her book because she, like so many other women, was fed the same false narratives that permeate sexual culture. She was lucky enough to participate in programs and degrees that allowed her to explore human sexuality and to gain a more comprehensive understanding of how sexuality functions. She wanted to share what she learned with others, especially her friends and family. She believes there is power in understanding that differences are normal. She also wrote her book to emphasize the power of letting go of patriarchal mythology and embracing scientific research.

She closes by acknowledging that her book does not provide all the answers to questions surrounding human sexuality. The research in this field is continually developing. She argues that all humans want to know that their experiences are normal; their journey to understanding their sexuality requires both joy and pain. While she encourages her readers to seek new scientific research, she reiterates that power and joy come from within. The answer to “Am I normal?” is found internally. By trusting one’s own body and mind, women can recapture their control over their sexual lives. When the voice says “yes,” women can listen. The same is true for when the voice says “no.” Dr. Nagoski describes the secret ingredient to a satisfying sex life: “It’s just you.”