Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

In Part 3, Dr. Nagoski addresses two important myths that women internalize about sex. Breaking down The Mythology of Sex is an important part of dismantling preconceptions that may be affecting accelerators and brakes.

The first is that genital response should always align with desire. Dr. Nagoski asserts that this is simply not true. Male erections and female wetness do not always—and often do not—match what is happening in the brain. Individuals can exhibit genital response even when their brains are disgusted by what they are experiencing or seeing, and they may have no genital response when they are “turned on.” This is nonconcordance. The dissolution of the myth of genital response is powerful. For those who may question the desire of their partners based upon genital response, this serves as confirmation that the best indicator of desire and arousal is connecting with one another through communication.

Many contemporary forms of media contribute to the genital-response myth. Dr. Nagoski references Fifty Shades of Grey—the first book in a series by E. L. James. The popularity of this book and movie reflects a larger cultural acceptance of the idea that women do not know their own minds. The idea that women do not know what they want, or that they only want what is wrong for them, is rooted in patriarchal values. A belief that women do not know what they want leaves room for men to tell them. In the example provided for Fifty Shades of Grey, the protagonist exhibits genital response even though she finds the experience painful and uncomfortable. She is told that she does not know what her body wants. This is one of the reasons why the mythology of sex is so dangerous: The myth of genital response subjugates women by suggesting that men may know more about female desire and need than women do. Therefore, men may manifest their own desires onto women, regardless of how women themselves are feeling.

A secondary problem with the genital-response myth is that it may sell certain narratives about the character and morality of people. Dr. Nagoski provides the example of a man who witnessed rape and felt shame that the sight gave him an erection. Genital response is involuntary, and it has the potential to react to anything that may hint at sex—regardless of the context. This is not, however, indicative of what the mind thinks or wants. Dr. Nagoski compares it to acknowledgment of a restaurant: Genital response says, “This is a restaurant”; the mind, however, may not be interested in eating at that restaurant.

The second myth is that of spontaneous desire. Many women feel guilt and shame that they are not able to access the form of spontaneous desire that they see in media. This type of desire is sometimes called a “drive,” and it refers to desire as a voracious appetite that can never be satiated. Dr. Nagoski argues that the truth is that all desire is responsive—even that which may seem spontaneous.

The myth of spontaneous desire sells the idea that there is something wrong with women who may not experience it. Women may turn to drugs to address perceived problems with low desire. Women who found success with these drugs often described problems with desire rather than sex; they had difficulty getting started. Dr. Nagoski explains that this is due to context and the dual control model. Drug companies want women to believe they are broken so that they need medication to “fix” them. Responsive desire, however, falls under the theme You Are Normal. Both men and women have responsive desire. This means that desire may take a while, and it may require understanding and utilizing the dual control model.