Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

Boundaries are guidelines for relationships in which limits are established to understand what is and isn’t one’s own responsibility. The authors compare boundaries to physical property lines that delineate between two or more different spaces. By establishing boundaries, people can greatly increase their capacity for healthy relationships and lifestyles.

The authors give the term “compliants” to people who are unable to say “no” to things, even when it’s in their best interest. Afraid to jeopardize their relationships, compliants say “yes” to going to restaurants they don’t like (a more menial example) or refuse to acknowledge physical or sexual abuse for fear or shame.

The authors define controllers as people who “can’t respect other’s limits” (52). Failing to deal with their own lives and problems, they instead seek to control others. Controllers are often aggressive, manipulative in their habits to the point where they often fracture relationships permanently.

The authors argue that children who never learn self-control by means of healthy discipline (enforced at home) will likely form unhealthy boundary-related habits. Proper discipline isn’t characterized by hostility or controlling behavior, but rather communicating limits and expectations and following through with appropriate, enforceable consequences should limits be crossed or expectations unmet.

Hatching is a developmental stage for infants. Infants’ passive connection to their parents—most notably their mothers—is replaced by an active interest in the external world. This is the first step towards individuality, more instinct than decision. Mothers often struggle with their babies’ hatching period as it marks the world expanding beyond the intimate connection between mother and child.

Individuation is a key step in the development process for every person, in which someone’s sense of self is perceived as being separate from their parents or others around them. In order for a person to establish boundaries for themselves, they must understand that they are an individual, with individual needs.

Driven by biblical ideology, the authors argue that boundaries are based on spiritual principles equivalent to those of a scientific variety. By articulating their Ten Laws of Boundaries, the authors accentuate the notion that boundaries are rooted in the Bible. Without knowing how boundaries work in daily life, people run the risk of misunderstanding “the principles God has woven into life” (82), which strips them of a moral modus operandi (a particular way of doing things).

The authors refer to “nonresponsives” as people who lack attention and care for others’ needs, especially when they have the capacity or even responsibility to do so. A spouse is responsible for understanding their partner’s emotional needs and frustrations, just as a parent is responsible for understanding their children. When someone is utterly unresponsive, they are often so absorbed in their own selves that they create boundary conflicts in their relationships by way of emotional detachment.